How long does it take to overcome a fear? 1 year? 5 years? 20 years? I don’t know. We each have our own process depending on how deep the roots stem. But, for me, this particular process involved a fear of failure. The fear of failing in my greatest gift and talent that was given to me by God and that is: music. It all started 4 years ago when I was a senior at Hampton University applying to graduate school to enroll in one of the top Master’s in Conducting programs in the country. I just KNEW I was going to get in: I gave all 4 years of completing my music curriculum my all, had the best recommendations, I was a top student, was great at conducting, and I KNEW it was my calling and so forth. But, on January 27, 2010, I received an email from the director of the program stating that I was not accepted into the program and summarizing it up: I wasn’t good enough. My heart broke. My world flipped upside down. How could I be so passionate about music but was told I wasn’t good enough? I remember that day so vividly – I was in the student parking lot when I read that email; I called my mom and started crying. She heard the brokenness in my tears. From that moment on, I unfortunately and internally shoved my passion of music under the earth and threw it away. So I fled like Jonah. But little did I know, the calling would be much greater and wider than anything hidden.
Throughout the years, I attempted to get back into music but it never lasted long because the fire was gone. I still loved music but I had no heart. This fear of failure hindered me from achieving my greatest works on this earth and fully walking into my purpose. It was even brought to my attention that since then (2010/2011), I hid my passion of music and gift/talent so well that people don’t know even know I’m into music, all they know is modeling. Ironically, my love for music is much greater than my love for modeling. However, it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago in a therapy session with my girl that I was able to discover the root of the problem: my fear of failure. And when the root sprung forth, I broke down again like I did 4 years when I received that rejection letter. But, this time with strength and a much better sense of who I am, I made up my mind that it’s time to let it go. It’s time to be free. Free from that bondage. Free from that fear. I’m only 1 step away from stepping into my true purpose and I can’t do it with being bound to this fear. And the funny thing about it all is that I STILL had the rejection letter in my email. All of these years. So I told my sister about it who fearlessly told me to print the email off and burn it. So I did just that. Sunday evening. And each time the flame of the fire burned part of the letter, a part of that bounding fear burned inside of me. After the last debris appeared, I thanked and praised God for that glorious moment. A moment I’ll never forget. A freedom moment. A moment of victory.
I conquered the greatest fear that unlocked the key to my purpose.
And for those who remember how ferocious I was in the music prior, I’m stronger and more confident than I ever was. In essence, I have returned back to my roots: music.