TESTIMONY ALERT! So, I actually wasn’t going to share this, but I’ll tell of His goodness and encourage someone. Well. On Thursday, I got my BRAND NEW HEARING AIDS in which I totally LOVE! I had been trying to acquire some new ones for over a year, but couldn’t afford them. I swore as a child I would never wear hearing aids again because I thought I looked like a freak and everybody treated me so differently. But, here I am now – wearing the very thing I despised. And here’s the thing, these hearing aids costs THOUSANDS of dollars, more than y’all’s rent for ONE hearing aid but our God is just so good that I didn’t even pay a DIME for them!! Now what type of God is that?! A POWERFUL GOD! #MightyGod #Testimony #ConqueringFears #Inspiration #HearingImpaired #AModelOfLife #Unbothered
Hey darlings, I hope the first day of November was amazing for you since it’s a brand new month. A new month to start over. Another chance.
As I stated in my previous post, last week was a very bad week for me. Honestly, I just lost hope in everything: that things are going to change, my situation will improve, you know – just everything. Was it all worth it? That was the million dollar question wandering around in my head last week. I cried so much, my eyes were burning and my face began shattering to pieces. My little light was so dim, I was dabbling between two realms of either darkness or the shadows. No, it was darkness. Just darkness.
Have you ever gotten to that point before?
I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to brush my teeth. I didn’t want to do anything.
But, how did I get to this point? Again?
I’m STILL recovering from the hell I just went through, that God delivered me from earlier this year. STILL.
But I was hurting. The pain was too great for me to bear. I felt like it wasn’t fair that I have to go through what I’m going through. I wanted out. Perhaps I’ve been torturing myself by fighting against God’s will for my life.
You know, I want things to go MY WAY. I’ve set some goals for myself for Nov. 1st and there’s no reason why I couldn’t achieve them if I have all of this favor on my life, so the Bible says.
Why couldn’t God open the floodgates of heaven and bless me with what I wanted?! I asked myself that SO many times in these past moments.
Because it wasn’t God’s plans for me.
What I wanted wasn’t what He had in mind for me, well at least not at this time I’ve concluded. It’s not that He’s not going to give it to me, it’s just not in HIS timing. God’s timing is ALWAYS best. Apparently, I stopped trusting Him and took matters into my own hands causing more trouble for myself, at least internally, in the spirit.
Don’t we all do that sometimes? Stop trusting Him and take matters into our hands because of fear, worry, impatience, or whatever else we allow to consume us.
I was, in fact, fighting HIM. Fighting His will for my life. And of course, I didn’t win. I went nowhere. Severely hurting myself.
Being outside the will of God is an awful place to be. There’s no fruit to bear. At all.
But, I’ll tell you one thing: when you’re walking in HIS plan for your life, He will provide. He will take care of what’s His. I found that out last Sunday when I finally let go of everything, my will, what I wanted. I had to humble myself before the Lord because I had become prideful. And pride always comes before destruction as I was about to destroy myself. However, as soon as I let go and surrendered to His will for my life, the floodgates of heaven flew open!
And all of this time, I thought God stopped loving me and forgot about me. But instead He just wants what’s best for me and was waiting for me to trust Him and His will for my life.
Hmmmmm. Yes indeed. HE does.
Darling, I just want you to know that God has not forgotten about you nor stopped loving you. In fact, nothing can separate you from His love through Christ. He just wants the best for you. Trust Him.
Hey darlings, I hope all has been well and amazing for everyone! So I’ve been 26 for a little over a week now and it’s been a real transition into being an official adult. I mean, I’ve been an adult but it’s something about hitting that over 25 mark. Jesus be a fence.
However, 25 was a very difficult year for me, very transitional, full of many many trials and tribulations. I learned SO much about myself and how people function in this world that I want to leave 26 bits of wisdom with you all that I learned at 25. I pray that it blesses someone. And by the way, they aren’t in any particular order.
1. God is a deliverer
2. Everything ain’t always what it seems
3. There are more people watching you than you think
4. Your mental state is vital to your success in life. If your mind is gone, then everything else is to. Think about it.
5. Some people that you think are for you, aren’t really for you as in looking out for you.
6. If a man is pursuing you, you will know. And if he isn’t, you will know.
7. Every person that you talk to or date, doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with them nor marry.
8. Dating is an exchange of information. Nothing more, nothing less. Think on that tonight.
9. Surround yourself with PRAYING friends and family.
10. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone.
11. Things take time.
12. Your trials and tribulations mold you into the person you are today, what God created you to be. Go through the fire, you will come out pure as gold.
13. Be resourceful. Leverage what you have to get what you want.
14. What you’ve been praying about will be answered. It may not happen when you want it to, but it will.
15. What you think you want isn’t always what you need not deserve. In fact, I’m not sure if they line up anyways.
16. Families can be restored and relationships can be reconciled. Mine’s was.
17. Conquering your greatest fear is the greatest thing you can do as an individual. I made it public that I’m hearing impaired and I faced my fear of failure in my gift of music.
18. Contentment is key, but complacency can kill you.
19. Common sense isn’t common these days.
20. Get delivered from other people’s opinions – their opinions about you don’t matter.
21. Dream again. Just because it didn’t happen before, doesn’t mean it won’t this time. I know you’re tired of disappointment, but dream again.
22. Nothing is a coincidence.
23. Timing is everything.
24. Just take it a day at a time. Some days are good. Some days are bad. And some are ugly.
25. What God did for someone else, He’s the same God that can do it for you.
26. God is faithful.
How long does it take to overcome a fear? 1 year? 5 years? 20 years? I don’t know. We each have our own process depending on how deep the roots stem. But, for me, this particular process involved a fear of failure. The fear of failing in my greatest gift and talent that was given to me by God and that is: music. It all started 4 years ago when I was a senior at Hampton University applying to graduate school to enroll in one of the top Master’s in Conducting programs in the country. I just KNEW I was going to get in: I gave all 4 years of completing my music curriculum my all, had the best recommendations, I was a top student, was great at conducting, and I KNEW it was my calling and so forth. But, on January 27, 2010, I received an email from the director of the program stating that I was not accepted into the program and summarizing it up: I wasn’t good enough. My heart broke. My world flipped upside down. How could I be so passionate about music but was told I wasn’t good enough? I remember that day so vividly – I was in the student parking lot when I read that email; I called my mom and started crying. She heard the brokenness in my tears. From that moment on, I unfortunately and internally shoved my passion of music under the earth and threw it away. So I fled like Jonah. But little did I know, the calling would be much greater and wider than anything hidden.
Throughout the years, I attempted to get back into music but it never lasted long because the fire was gone. I still loved music but I had no heart. This fear of failure hindered me from achieving my greatest works on this earth and fully walking into my purpose. It was even brought to my attention that since then (2010/2011), I hid my passion of music and gift/talent so well that people don’t know even know I’m into music, all they know is modeling. Ironically, my love for music is much greater than my love for modeling. However, it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago in a therapy session with my girl that I was able to discover the root of the problem: my fear of failure. And when the root sprung forth, I broke down again like I did 4 years when I received that rejection letter. But, this time with strength and a much better sense of who I am, I made up my mind that it’s time to let it go. It’s time to be free. Free from that bondage. Free from that fear. I’m only 1 step away from stepping into my true purpose and I can’t do it with being bound to this fear. And the funny thing about it all is that I STILL had the rejection letter in my email. All of these years. So I told my sister about it who fearlessly told me to print the email off and burn it. So I did just that. Sunday evening. And each time the flame of the fire burned part of the letter, a part of that bounding fear burned inside of me. After the last debris appeared, I thanked and praised God for that glorious moment. A moment I’ll never forget. A freedom moment. A moment of victory.
I conquered the greatest fear that unlocked the key to my purpose.
And for those who remember how ferocious I was in the music prior, I’m stronger and more confident than I ever was. In essence, I have returned back to my roots: music.
I feel it.
I sense it.
I am a victim of it.
So are you.
It seems like it’s a recurring battle.
Engulfing my mind, body, and spirit, over welcoming its stay.
The suffocation that took place.
It’s held me back from myself, delaying my dreams.
Fear, I must destroy you before you destroy me.